Friends who have spent a lot of time with me eventually ask me, “Why aren’t you afraid of anything.” You see, my friends get frustrated because just the slightest hint and I know I can do something maliciously fun to scare the crap out of them. It’s all in good fun, of course! I have witnessed my friends literally perform the highest vertical jump of their life. I’ve seen my friends turn white as ghosts, jump up and down and scream at the top of their lungs and other similarly humorous verbal and nonverbal responses. We learn to tease and joke with each other like this when we are but just young ones. Our parents did it to us, so we did it to our friends and we do it to our kids and so the vicious cycle continues for generations long past our time.
However, what if you’re not afraid of anything? What if no matter how hard your friends try to scare you, well, you don’t flinch, smirk, budge or even make a little bit of noise? It’s really really frustrating for them, I have learned. “It’s not fair, ” I have heard.
Folks like myself who aren’t afraid of anything; well, we’re warriors. Do you know why we’re warriors? We have been cursed with a lifetime sentence of suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD for short.
I can cut this post really short and just write, BPD Sucks! End of story! However, that leaves a lot left untold. For instance, why am I even bringing it up in the first place? Why did I choose the title I did for this post? Why am I even taking the time to post this on my blog? OK, Funnyleg, what’s your purpose here, what are you trying to say? I said it already. BPD SUCKS!
You see, I have just gone through another full circle of BPD tissues. What? Well, it’s really the word “issues” but begins with a silent “t.” You’ll understand in a minute.
Just like millions of others who suffer from various mental health issues, I find it incredibly difficult to remember to take my vast pharmaceutical supply of medications three times a day, seven days a week, four weeks in a month and for 12 months in a calendar year for the rest of my freakin’ life. Well, let’s see…that’s exactly 1,095 times a year that I have to remember to take my medications. It’s impossible! It would really blow your mind if I told you how many medications I take three times per day and multiply that number. Well, that’s just downright scary and I’m not going to go there.
Needless to say, I’m just like everyone else in the world. I’m not perfect. I forget things. Well, when you compound that with BPD it becomes the beginning of what you can visualize as a tornado taking shape, gaining speed, circling faster and faster, destroying everything in its path and then WHAM! The tornado has passed through and has left a horrible path of destruction and waste and confusion and torment and pain in its aftermath.
That is where you will find the silent “t” in issue. Now, we have the word tissue because it is now that just like an individual who has witnessed the complete destruction of their home in the aftermath of a tornado, that is how I feel. Great sobs of pain and suffering erupt. A whole box of tissues isn’t even close to being sufficient to soak up all the tears of emotional turmoil and pain I feel.
This is exactly what has been happening to me for the last couple of months. Those who suffer from BPD are usually also fighting other demons; such as, depression, anxiety, PTSD, addictions and various physical ailments (yes, I’m describing myself here as well as others). You don’t EVER “just have” BPD. It’s bad enough to suffer through the various cycles of BPD, but you have to somehow fight the other crap too, all at the same time. That’s when, in the past, I would choose to self-harm or have suicidal ideations.
I know I have spent most of my life in some state and depth of depression. I didn’t know it at the time, but I know it now. I didn’t know what the triggers were or what to watch for, but I do now. I never knew there was anything that could be done or that could help, but I do now.
You see, BPD sucks because it’s something I have no control over. It is a chemical screw up in my brain, briefly and succinctly described. Medication is a necessity…forever. If I can’t remember to take those damn little pills 1,095 times a year. Well, life is utter and complete hell. The depression is usually the first thing to hit. It’s kind of like opening a door and taking the first step outside and not paying attention to the ground before you. Without any time to make a change you take a big step forward and there’s no step and no ground beneath you. Down, down, down you fall. How far will you fall? Well, that just depends on a whole lot of different factors. That’s a different post for me to write at a later date.
I’m not sure which part is worse. Taking that first HUGE step into the abyss of depression or entering that completely dysfunctional mood/personality/life altering state where you become a monster with so much rage and hate that you absolutely lose your mind over the smallest and most ridiculous things ever! When that happens, then I know I’m in BIG trouble! What are you talking about, you’re asking?
Well, it was just several days ago, I heard something outside that didn’t sound “normal.” It was nighttime and dark outside. Not being afraid of anything, I opened my front door to see what was causing the noise. I looked about and saw a gentleman in our trash dumpster. OK, here’s the deal. First off, it’s illegal. You can’t go rifling through someone’s garbage. Secondly, the man is trespassing, because he doesn’t live here. Third, well, I was in that rage stage of BPD and I lost my freaking mind over this guy fetching cans and bottles out of the garbage (for money). I screamed and yelled and argued and I called the police. I got so angry over this really really stupid situation that didn’t have any direct or indirect negative impact or effect on me at all, I was ready to go out there and try to pick a fight with him.
I know, “OK,” you’re saying about now. “You are crazy. You need help. You should be hospitalized. Someone needs to tie you up.” Well, that’s what I think a lot of the time as well. However, that’s the farthest thing from the truth.
The TRUTH is I haven’t been taking my medications for nearly two months. Unfortunately, it took two such rageful episodes for me to realize that I haven’t been taking my medications. Fortunately, I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else. So, why is it that I’m not afraid of anything? Well, quite simply I scare the hell out of myself when I get like that. I’ve never met anything else more scary than just me when I’m not in control of myself.
Thankfully, if there is at least ONE simple thing I have learned over the last 20+ years is that BPD SUCKS! I have to stay on my medications. When I get like that, not only do I scare the crap out of myself, but I scare everyone else around me.
That, my friends, is why having Borderline Personality Disorder is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life! To all my friends and loved ones, I’m sorry for “where” I’ve been lately…in my head. I’m sorry for not keeping appointments, for ignoring phone calls, not talking, not sharing, and just being a butt. Now, I guess, you know why. I didn’t write this as an excuse, it’s my life.
I have to go now…Dang it. I have to take my meds before I forget!
©Julie Corbett
Thoughts by Ajae 